twenty something

plane crash

niaolivia — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 06:31:30 +0000

falling in love. & falling out of love are two completely different things.
How can two people who have seen eachother at their worst and best slowly head down that road of no return? Its like your on a plane and its about to crash. You know you are falling to your death and in a few moments you will die. Yes, thats like a relationship post breakup. You know its coming. Its like that first wave of panic that went through peoples mind the first time they found out that Lance Bass liked men. We all somewhat knew but when it hit us it was like a foregin language. So suddenly as you fall deeper & deeper from the sky, so does your relationship. but still we torture ourselves just wondering where this is going.Is there a chance of surviving the unthinkable? But as the communication between the two is now just a phone call a day and you havent seen eachother in 3 weeks you are now grabbing for your air mask. You put on your floatation device & maybe just maybe you’d survive the 1000 degree heat from the engine and the plumetting into the darkness of the deep blue sea, just maybe youd float to shore. And maybe just maybe theres that chance of hope..that your realtionship will float to shore too. But its life and your in a crashing air plane. The two of you both know, but cant say it..cant admit it but you know. And sometimes you dont want to know why, why it ended why you lost eachother.
You dont want to face the fact that your plane is crashing.
So those one a day phone calls turn to every other day until that one person you knew like the back of your hand turns into a complete stranger.
And then
the plane crashes.

petals

niaolivia — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 06:23:11 +0000

Im tangled in a knot, twisted & tight. Help me get un-tangled. Find the loop to unravel me. Everyday that goes by, every tick of the clock, I’m stil here. But I cannot seem to bring to life the dead little flower inside of me. It started to die the day it was born. The day I met you. Its withered, frailed & lifeless, but I like to have hope. Hope that a word, a touch a tear will trigger it to thrive. The stem will straighten & the petals will grow. I dont know where we went wrong, & the hardest part is knowng we never had these intentions. That if I knew all this before then maybe it would be different. My bones would be straighter & my heart would be in one. And you would still be here next to me in the dark. And now I cater to the faces around me, I tell them what sounds good & I tell myself what I should feel. They smile but I dont. How I would give it all to go back. To stop the car before it crashed. Our past is a muddy, mucky swamp & I’m trying to walk backwards in it, to get to the start. Our words were loud & sharp & our actions were black & blue. But the Love was somehow, there. Our feelings sometimes were swept away & our secrets brushed under rugs but our love was right there. In our faces, in our words & actions. All through out we twirled, spun & danced. In a big room, just me & you. No one could ever hear what song we danced to. And no one ever will. I’ll keep it. I’ll remember it. The counts & steps. I cant tell you why snow is white or why we grow old. I dont have the answers to many things. So I’m not going to find the answer to Us. I’m not going to tell others why I cry or why I feel this way. Even now, Even still, I hope. But the petals keep falling one by one…he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, hes loves me not…he loves me..

shits

niaolivia — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 05:31:23 +0000

At twenty-one is it possible to be bitter? To be absolutely sick of the people in my life & the daily routines. Sometimes I wonder if it really is all that bad or is it all in my head?..Do I make the people in my life & my daily routines sickning. I turned twenty-one last Sunday. Twenty-one years I have been alive. My hair, my eyes, hands & toes are all 21 years old. I know my body is changing & always growing old but I wonder if my feelings are? I guess I mean more like my thought process. The more we grow up the more our minds expand & we become more aware of the things around us. Like for example Sex. I didn’t really know much about it. I think one day I was flipping through some channels & I believe I witnessed my first porno. I don’t think I was grossed out, more curious to what excataly was being played on my TV. But sex was explained basically to me when I was little. I believed I was told it was when a boy & a girl love eachother & that was that. But as I grew older Sex was just not that simple. I learned that Sex was about boobs & dicks. Anal & oral. Gays, straight, bisexual. Doggy style, 69, & reverse cowgirl. That you just can’t have sex with anyone. And if you have sex with someone it makes things complicated. Complicated in the sense that ” we had sex are we dating? or Does he like me? or was that a slutty thing I just did?” The more I grew up, the more my curtains on my window to the world opened up. And the more they opened up the more complicated & twisted & sick things become. I wish I could set my thinking process back to when I was younger. Just hit a button & all my innocene will return & so will the worlds. I’m just tierd of learning everyday how people are people & the world is filled with us but yet I can be & feel so alone. I’m tierd of trying to figure one person out. Tip toeing around the way I truely feel. Not saying the things I really want to say. Not doing the things I want to do because of what a person says or their view is different. And with that you are doing what you want but not to the max. You will always hold back, not to make one person disagee. This probably sounds sad but thats how I feel sometimes. I envy those who really dont give a shit. I’m trying not to give a shit, but it’s hard not to give a shit when are bodies are meant to give out shits.